love.done.

it's 4:20 am. and i was about to start creating a brand new episode of 'ROADWAY' even though i just posted one today...

but, i decided not to.

i decided to do this instead...

wait for it...

cry my fucking brains out. i dont know why im writing a public diary right now, but for some reason i just am.

at the moment i am listening to brandi carlile's [live version] of 'before it breaks' [a genius song, fucking genius, i could just die listening to this, [i remember when i saw her perform it live i was with my best friend and i was hoping to g*d she wouldn't see me cry cause shed never go to another concert with me again. she hates going to concerts with me cause i get so fucking emotional, hope she doesnt read this cause then i should have just let my tears aloud that night]

anyway, if you're too lazy or really don't care to look up the song this is what she says in the chorus. [& im typing as she's singing it..right...now] 'say it's over, say im dreaming, say im better than you left me, say you're sorry i can take it. say you'll wait, say you won't, say you love me, say you don't, i can make my own mistakes and learn to let it bend before it breaks' jesus christ. amazing. genius. & the melody & progressions just give it beyond grammy status. [where the fuck is the repeat button on youtube. this is complete bullshit.im gonna fucking sue them for this, is that how you spell sue?i really don't give a shit i can't see anyway cause my tears are falling and it's blurry as hell right now, like when im in new york and i wish i had windshield wipers on my eyeballs]

where was i? [hold, i have to go back and press the 'replay' button on youtube. bullshit.instead of suing im going to send them a fucking invoice]

im back. where was i? im under three blankets, my left shoulder is hurting because i have no outlet for my laptop next to my bed therefore i have to use a plug from the other side of my freaking room & attach myself to my wall just to plug it in. [my room has the fucking oddest configuration, just like my damn brain, we are the best match]

[hold, im crying to the chorus again]

i don't even know what the fuck this blog is about & if you're still reading & you actually comment on it, you're as fucking nuts as i am. shit, did i curse again?

let me try talking about the reason i even came to write this.

love.

love is invisible, it is not something that can really be shown or purchased. it is a quiet, silent, timid and very shy ... but when it's loud its a twister and you must go under ground to survive. im going to call love a person for the moment.

he or she is a living, breathing, sick, healthy, addicted, screwed up, careless, horrifying, beautiful, twisted, bended, machine of all sorts and none of us understand it.

one hundred, six million, five trillion relationships later in this world we still don't have it right.

it is greed, a tree of cash, branches of death...unfiltered water...

it is drowned, it is judged, it is stuck and stunning all at the same time.

i don't love much. but when i love, i love hard.

i love like i fall in love with my writing, my music i mean since i don't know jack about good grammar or how to spell anything to save my fucking life [i kept spelling grammar , grammer and had to use spell check to change it]

when i was a kid my speech / special ed teacher [yes, i was one of the 'slow' kids if you could believe it] she'd quiz me on vocabulary and say 'rachel, what's the meaning of obstacle?' id say 'well.. umm mrs. smoot [with a lisp and a heavy whipped new york accent], it clearly means obstacle, obstacle means obstacle' then laugh so loud cause she'd turn pale and white in the face. [ill never forget that she was in love with kevin costner either, she had a framed 8 x 10 photo of him by her desk and when she wouldnt ask vocab questions she'd blab about him]

i was the kid who skipped class & hid in the auditorium so that i could rehearse my music. i starting doing this this when i was 9 years old. ill never forget, id lie and say i had to go to the restroom and then return when recess was about to come along.

back to my subject.

love.

love is music, light, drops of rain and pounds of hail. love is ugly but it's also the most beautiful creature to have ever lived.

i love the person who taught me love. although this does not exist anymore the broken particle that was once attached to my heart is falling like the wind breaks dust off the leaf of an old tree with a cracked white fence and yellow tape that says 'do not cross' .... damn right.

do not cross love. if so , it will find it's way to cross you.

i really don't know or care if any of this made sense. i just wanted to type. reminds me of playing the piano when i'm not playing. it's another form of rehearsal for me. i guess.

alright, im going now. good night, or shall i say goodmorning?

is that one word or two? the fucking red lines are all over my damn words!

who the fuck is this music industry kidding?

so i usually would never do this but what's the whole point of having a blog spot if you're not going to blog.

this is me & i how i feel about the music industry today.

since i have been in this game for over 12 years now and killing myself, working myself like crazy to be known, recognized, noticed, make friends, relationships, get into sessions, creating my brand, designing, booking shows, getting signed, expired contracts, promises, getting signed again, signing away your my life and a craft that i've been working on for over 20 years. creating a self made documentary, recording, editing, countless hours of studio sessions, phone calls, voicemails, flights, hotels, sleeping on couches, making calls, writing messages, rehearsing, writing music, playing piano, taking 3 jobs at a time, auditions, school, talking to managers who have pull and then talking to managers who don't know a thing, a & r's, actors, singers, songwriters, agents, stylists, pr, photographers, directors, composers, all the people i know at ascap, going to conferences, making new contacts, creating those relationships with people who have no intention of helping you really, just talking about how successful they are, their story , your story, do you have a fucking story,who are you? what do you drive, own , rent , talking to executives, being on a tv show for rodney jerkins & mc lyte, trying to prove myself, im too fat, too skinny, too talented, not talented enough, being compared vocally, told im the best, told im not good enough, doing too much, not doing enough, being controlling, but wait, isn't this my career? trust, love, people hitting on you when you just want to work, what's real, what's fake, who's real who's fake, who's really 'looking out for you', when to quit, when to continue, how to act, what to say and not say, people telling you off behind your back, expressing how 'amazing' they think you are in person, can make moves for you and then do absolutely nothing at all.

being chosen out of over 7,000 songwriters around the country within a 7 month waiting period, to becoming the final 20 and then being told 1 day before filming they made a shift in their casting process [but this i have to be thankful for, didn't want a fucking tv network owning my music anyway, so THANK YOU, but fuck you for wasting my time. [sorry for the fuck you, but not really sorry]

fan's wondering if you will ever release something, writing hate mail cause i haven't released something, producers taking sessions with you then never calling with an address of which studio to meet, people saying they're going to 'hit you up' and never do, giving wrong information so you never reach them, when you've called them over 5 times already and you've spoken but they don't ever put your name in their phone and everytime you call and they answer you have to say 'hey, what's up' and they say 'WHO'S THIS' are you fucking kidding me?

starting songS in the studio with platinum selling writers who don't want to give you credit when you just wrote 50 percent of the record, cause they still haven't had what they think should be their 'big break'... industry 'friends' telling you lets work, let's work, lets 'get it in' i can go on for another 600 paragraphs but i won't , i think whoever is reading this gets the point...

the only thing keeping me in this is my talent. otherwise that bridge looked real pretty the other day.

the point is, if you're going to give up, then give up, but stop saying you'll give up and never do, cause that time spent on the 'should i give up' question is all time you could have been [look at the entire above paragraph] so now what?

just had to release something. dont know what so i just wrote. fuck, i hope no one sees this. ra*