Kevin Jonas In The Studio With Kraft Lunchables Contest Winner (@kevinjonas)

Kevin Jonas In The Studio With Kraft Lunchables Contest Winner (@kevinjonas)

THIS WAS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE DAY I SHARED WITH KEVIN JONAS & PJ BIANCO...

love & music always,

Rachel Assil

NEW YORK | SEPTEMBER 11 [10 YEARS LATER]

2,977 innocent lives were taken on september 11th 2001. more than 6,000 had been injured & millions of lives shattered from it. i am still having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it's been 10 years since the day disaster hit. for some reason i think they've released unseen footage today thinking itd be easier to swallow, but it never will be.

how the fuck did anyone pull this off.

19 mother fucking high jackers... the question still lies, who was really behind this? what son of a bitch pulled it off.

every friday night when i light the candles i always have 9.11 in my thoughts. that's 520 times not counting when it continuously comes into my mind.

im watching how chaotic that day was and i could swear it is the most intense footage ive ever watched i can't even take it.

everyone who risked their life that day, people running, crying, screaming,covered in dust, chemicals, metal, smoke, debris...this kills me, it always will.

i love you new york, im coming to sing 'disappear' & 'salt water' for you in less than a week, i hope my music can heal you some way...thank you for making me who i am today.

'SALT WATER' LYRICS FOR USTREAM SESSION

ORIGINAL 'SALT WATER'

WRITTEN BY RACHEL ASSIL

I USED TO DISTRACT YOU

NOW YOU LOOK AWAY

I'M GOING CRAZY

I HOPE THIS IS JUST A PHASE

HOW CAN THIS BE

YOU WERE NEVER IN LOVE WITH ME

AND IM JUST FINDING OUT

ALL THE THINGS I WISH I NEVER KNEW

AND WHOM I SUPPOSE TO BE

NOW THAT YOU'VE LEFT ME

I WALK WITH NO TRACE

I FEEL LIKE A LOST AND FOUND

WHEN YOU DIDN'T CLAIM ME I DROWNED

I DON'T WANNA BLINK

CAUSE THEN I'LL DRINK

SALT WATER SALT WATER

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK NOW

YOUR ACTIONS HAVE SAID ENOUGH

IM FEELING WEAK NOW

AND I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP

BUT I'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE

SO I'M GONNA TRY ONCE MORE

BUT I'M STILL FINDING OUT

ALL THE THINGS I WISH I NEVER KNEW

AND WHOM I SUPPOSE TO BE

NOW THAT YOU'VE LEFT ME

I WALK WITH NO TRACE

I FEEL LIKE A LOST AND FOUND

WHEN YOU DIDN'T CLAIM ME I DROWNED

I DON'T WANNA BLINK

CAUSE THEN I'LL DRINK

SALT

WATER IS TOO SOUR FOR ME

I TASTE THE PAIN AND MISS THE SWEET

LOVING WORDS YOU'D SING TO ME THEN

YOU'D ROCK ME RIGHT TO SLEEP

I NEVER THOUGHT IT'D BE END

I'LL NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN

OPEN WIDE AND STARING DEEP

NO I DON'T WANNA DRINK

AND WHOM I SUPPOSE TO BE

NOW THAT YOU'VE LEFT ME

I WALK WITH NO TRACE

I FEEL LIKE A LOST AND FOUND

WHEN YOU DIDN'T CLAIM ME I DROWNED

I DON'T WANNA BLINK

CAUSE THEN I'LL DRINK

SALT AND WHOM I SUPPOSE TO BE OH, YEA, WOAH, YEA

WOAH , YEA...

I DON'T WANNA BLINK CAUSE THEN I'LL DRINK SALT WATER'

FROM A FAN*

wow. just received this via twitter from a random fan* im so flattered & this is the reason i do this* from '@OneHeartCeline @rachelassil I think you're so amazing. I found a vid of you on youtube when you performed Disappear at 2010 ASCAP you brouht me to tears.' wow. thank you >>> it's the 'ROADWAY' EP. OF [THE LINDA PERRY EXPERIENCE] if you'd like to see what she's speaking of. love & music always. rachel assil

'ROADWAY' THE ARTICLES PRESENTS [ME & MISS JILL SCOTT]

im not star struck, i just admire talent, i believe in moments & this was one of the sweetest ones of my journey & career to stardom i originally met her almost five years ago. a voice of an angel, a songstress, a genius of true words..'if you gone worry bout where, about who i saw or, what club i went to with my homies baby don't worry you know that you got me'...

a few days ago [grammy week] i went to meet my producer blac elvis who was in town from atlanta at the boom boom room [in the same studio & room that beyonce recorded the vocals for 'Single Ladies' and also 'Ego' the grammy nominated song that elvis & harold wrote & produced together] anyhow, we got into discussion on who he was working with while he was out here...as he was giving me his list out came of his mouth 'jill scott & actually she's in her session right now with JR in the other room' now at this point all i can think is how much id love to see her since it's been so long... but since you have to have manners and good studio etiquette i was trying to think of the most polite way to saying hello to her again after so long without being so forward about it to elvis.

the best part of this all is i know JR Hutson...we met a couple years ago at the beverly hilton hotel across the street from my elementary school at the ASCAP r & s awards [rhythm & soul]. JR & I were standing in the foyer before the ceremony & he started conversation 'so what do you do etc...' such a sweet stand up humble guy esp. for a producer of his status you'd never know how talented he is unless you got in the room with him, then boom, an explosion of talent. awhile back tanisha pitts who was working at ASCAP at the time invited his artist Liz Paige to join the bill at the first annual Woman behind the music event & id run into him there and over time liz and i started performing at numerous events together because of tanisha's continuous invitations & that's really where JR and our relationship started..

so as soon as elvis said 'JR' my initial thought was 'just write him' so i took a risk without any intentions of him saying yes & wrote 'hi love, im at boom boom with elvis, may i come say hello to you & jill? i have not seen her since we last performed together & would love to see you as well.' he said 'come thru monday, we'll def. be there'

as that monday came by also known as Valentines Day february 14th. i decided to take my chances & see if i can still get the opportunity to stop by there & say hello. i wrote him & since he was so busy he responded to only one of the 3 messages i sent. i thought, if he does not respond within the hour then i have to take my next chance & reach out to elvis again and that's exactly what i did.

although i had plans to go to elvis' sessions again before he flew back home, i knew it'd be my only other time to get there so when he answered my call he said 'sure, we're here come by'.

i got dressed in my high black boots, short black & white striped long sleeve dress, black opaque tights & none other than my black jacket with the gold buttons, put on my fire engine red lipstick to match the occasion, borrowed my sisters car & drove over to the studio without even knowing whether or not id even run into her.

i took the 101 north a freeway so familiar & after listening to 'yea yea yea you would' on heavy repeat by my friend kalenna's group with diddy & dawn [dirty money] on repeat & high energy i turned down the radio & arrived at the gate , pressed the button & they said 'studio, what session'? 'hi, blac elvis please' & in i go. as i walked in with a bouquet of flowers one for each person at the studio including JR & Jill there was JR & harold speaking in the lounge...since they looked like they were in a private conversation i walked right by & into elvis' session.

with open arms i got to say hello & pass flowers out to the family and say... 'happy valentines day kids'... since i didn't want to interrupt elvis' session i started a quite & whispered conversation with patrick since i hadn't seen him in so long. as my mouth turned parch about an hour in i told him 'i'll be right back, going to get some water' he said 'rach, there's water right here' i said 'im gonna get some air too, i'll be right back' he said 'oh, okay' i walked out the first 100 pound sound proof door, then the second 100 pound sound proof door & at this time i said my hello's to JR & Harold. left their conversation again & walked over the kitchen and there it was. i heard a voice, actually two voices, one of a familiar tone & one of an gentleman.

she turned and looked at me 'hi' i said 'hi' she said 'im jill' i said 'hi, im rachel assil it's nice to see you again, it's been so long' she said 'yes, yes, you look familiar' i said 'we met at the UCLA jazz reggae fest years ago...do you recall us standing outside in the freezing cold in the VIP section till you said goodbye till the last fan'? although she didn't remember that part she was sweet enough to introduce me to shawn 'shawn,this is rachel assil' 'so nice to meet you shawn, sorry for interrupting your conversation'. then at this point i said to her 'it's real nice running into because oddly enough it was my sisters wedding last night and i was going through songs i wanted to walk down the isle to & after a long thought i decided to walk down to 'you got me'... her face lit up, her smile was so sweet & honest and she just looked at me like 'that's amazing' i could feel it. i said 'although i wanted to walk to the live version the introduction didn't go so well but i did use another version & my favorite part of your live one with 'the roots come alive' one is at the end [5min 10 seconds] when you go EH EH EEH EH YEA [and as i watch her smiling at me she joined in and we started singing together EH EH EEH EH YEA , DON'T WORRY , BABY DON'T WORRY YOU KNOW THAT YOU GOT ME' you could just hear us from the kitchen to the other end of the hall. it was so freaking magical but also, just the first magical moment of many that night..

i walked over to make some tea real quick and she complimented my jacket, i said 'im obsessed with jackets, would you like to try it on'? and like a true pimp she replied 'im just going to have one made for me just like it, thanks though' so fucking dope you have to admit.

as we continued to chat some more and i could feel the energy drifting as she was planning on going back into her studio, i was saying goodbye and said 'well, hopefully i'll get a chance to see you before i leave tonight' she said 'well, would you like to come in'? and that's when it all started.

as we were walking in the door i offered her some persian tea that i brought with me to give to elvis, she said 'sure' just as i handed it to her we walked in. there was her engineer shawn which i met minutes before & me in the session. now there's about 6 chairs in there but you don't just sit anywhere you'd like ... there are studio rules, there is not a book of a list of these rules but they're just rules you should know of and never discount them.

so i stood, i stood and waited then a couple minutes after elvis & harold & JR walk in. elvis & harold sat , shawn was at his computer already sitting & JR her producer stood scoping out the energy filled with smiles.

at this point i remember the lights were down, the mood was set to the T and Jill was a perfectionist organizing the counter and offering drinks, she was very hospitable and warm and was very welcoming...as she opened the first sound proof door & walked out to go get something from the kitchen, didn't even turn to look at anyone she said 'there's an empty stool right here if someone would like to take it' and boom. that was for me, that little mini black wooden stool where most people would put their feet up on was where i would spend the next hour and a half in a corner taking in the entire fucking moment of what was going on in front of me.

as she returned she said to JR 'what should we play first for them' since elvis & harold were scheduled to start working with her i had no clue what i was about to experience, i had no idea i was about to listen to months of her & JR's work together, i didnt know that i was witnessing the beginning of history, the beginning of her, JR , elvis & harold's magic together...she played the first song, second, third,fourth and so on and all i could think was jesus , you're so fucking talented it's so insane, i couldn't comprehend it even. there were no words to describe the story of her lyrics, the story of her life, the story of the lives of strangers, the way her voice portrayed them...real life, timeless music.

then she had JR show us the album photo & it all came together. how fucking dope she is.! one record in particular she played shawn pressed spacebar & started to play the song, jill walked up and hit spacebar to stop it, she said 'hold on, i have to tell you the story of this song, we experimented that there will be 4 musicians on this record and we'd freestyle & play everything live but the twist comes here, we are all in different rooms and cannot see each other at all'.

then we all pissed ourselves [at least i did] & closed our eyes & listened. it had to have been the most incredible moment for all of us in that room including herself. she was getting high off of our responses from sharing her music, her soul, her hard , crazy, loving life. i remember at one point i had my eyes closed and said to myself ['rachel, when you open your eyes, you'll open your eyes and you will not be in a dream, jill is really sharing her album with you, she is standing right there in front of you, cig in one hand, head in the air, like it was her time, her moment & never take a moment for granted, me, a complete stranger which is practically what i am to her in all honestly, is so lucky to be here in this room right now! just take in this whole fucking moment & enjoy this'] and that's exactly what i did.

after she played about 10 records we were in a zone , all of 5 of us and jill was ecstatic, kept wanting to play us more & being who harold is , a grammy winning songwriter who most credits come from his genius of writing for ms. Alicia Keys he was expressing how he felt in broken words and silence and that he couldn't take it anymore. he's the dissector of lyrics and melody and elvis the genius of production, music & melody.

as the last song approached jill was sparkling with happiness i don't know if she knew what she'd done to our souls within that hour. after harold and elvis had expressed how fucking cool she is she walked them out i stayed a minute longer to briefly catch up with JR, i hugged him, congratulated him then he started asking shawn if he'd ever heard me sing or play the piano and shawn said 'no' he said 'man, you gotta hear her, she's incredible' just as i was saying 'im alright, nothing compared to you' he slowly walked out and it was just shawn and i...

i asked shawn how long he'd been working on the project and was asking how the experience had been working with her.

he said 'amazing, he loved working on real music' i went to explain to him how rare of an artist she is how different she is how lucky the industry is to have an artist like her...i also told him about the story of how her & i originally met.

it was the 2006 or 2007 jazz reggae fest for UCLA and when i found out who was on the bill, i called UCLA and asked if i can get on that stage as well, taking a chance, a real long shot. an ambitious young girl by the name of Diaras answered the phone, i explained to her i really wanted to perform there, she was thinking to herself, 'who are you, you're not famous, you don't have a band etc.' in my head i was thinking was 'im going to perform that day, it's going to happen' ... the amazing thing about Diaras was that she was not the head of the committee but she knew how to put things together & after hearing how adamant i was about performing, looked up my site, heard my music , my story, she started to help me.

a few days later she called me and said 'you're a fantastic songwriter, do you think the day before the fest you can come and perform & answer questions about songwriting and the music industry for this thing UCLA puts together for underprivileged kids that are coming to the fest? if you do that i think the director would hear about how amazing you are and let you do a couple of songs the day of the fest' i said 'of course i will, ive worked with kids for years , that would be awesome.'

and so the day approached & the word got around to the director that i did a fantastic job the day before with the teens & Diaras got me VIP passes and i went there dressed as if i was going on stage in my bursting orange coat when i was not even scheduled at all...she took me over to the performance schedule board and tried getting me on stage even after the head director said 'there are no slots Rachel, we're really sorry, there's no keyboard for us to put up during the set changes either'. it still wasnt over. Diaras and i were on a mission, we went to the sound guy and i said 'Diaras screw it, lets just ask him for a mic' 'excuse me, can i just get the mic please? i'll do a song acapella' and there i went, in front of almost 20,000 people i sang 'Hotel California' live with the front row of 1,000 people in front of me who knew all the words, i remember saying to myself 'Rachel, do not mess up one word, they know every single one, don't embarrass yourself' and i nailed it. didn't miss a word, didnt miss a riff or a note and handed the mic back to the sound engineer and got off stage. got an interview and was at ease, now i was ready to wait & watch jill touch the lives and everyones hearts that day, it was perfect.

Shawn was smiling , couldn't believe my story i feel and right as i finished that last word Jill walked back into the room. I told her how amazing everything was and how sweet it was of her to share that moment with me/us. how her music is so relatable and moving. and she just stood there smiling at me with her hand over her heart and said 'thank you, thank you so much'

i then told her, 'i was just telling shawn how i first met you at the reggae fest & that i really wanted to be on the same bill as you so in a shorter version of the story i told her i took the mic and sang acapella in front of almost 20,000 people i sang 'Hotel California' live with the front row of 1,000 people in front of me who knew all the words, etc..' so she looks right at me and goes 'will you sing it for me right now'? i said 'now, right now? with the keys or acapella' she said 'yes' so there i went...

standing in front of her, closed my eyes and sang my heart out. every word of one of her favorite songs and i didnt even know it 'On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair' and throughout the song id opened my eyes id she was smiling with enjoyment at me, that i wasnt messing up one word of a very intricate song and of course i was just taking in the moment... as i got to the third and final verse i moved closer to her and put my hand on her shoulder and with open eyes kept singing and singing with heart, with riffs with love with the thought in my mind going 'what the fuck is going on right now'?

whatever it was, it was incredible,rare and honest and holy fuck amazing.

they both clapped and shawn said 'well, you didnt mess up a word here either' i chuckled and before i knew it jill busted out into her own song, singing some acapella piece , i just couldn't believe how our connection and vibe was so strong [at least for me it was] & after she sang shawn left the studio for a moment. it was just jill & i alone, talking about life, she shared a very crazy story with me and then i asked for us to toast to the success of an incredible album the world is about to have the honor of experiencing...although i rarely drink, a blend of mango absolute and tropicana was the perfect toasting drink.

she also shared with me that in the morning she wrote a line that said something along the lines of 'just when i think im something, you make me feel like im nothing' i said 'jesus, i love that, that all sounds so familiar to me, so relatable' she said 'but what does it mean, really? i said 'it means exactly what it says' at this point i felt that me repeating that didnt really do much for her so i decided to take it to another level and show her how dope what she came up with really was. so i said 'jill , it means this..' and there i went, i took off my rings, i took of my boot, i took off my coat, pretended to take off my diamonds and said' that's what it means, just when i think im everything in this coat, in these boots, in these diamonds, with one look you take that all away from me' all i could see was her blank stare like in her head she was thinking 'wow, i guess now it makes sense'

i also told her that in the introduction of the album she should say that with no music behind her, that the phrase was so fucking real & honest i felt after hearing most of the album i felt giving my opinion on something as simple as that wouldn't hurt me. so she said 'that is so artistic, i love it' then JR walked back in and said 'Rachel suggested we should say my phrase in the intro with no music' JR smiled and said 'that's a possibility' then he continued and said 'so you've met Rachel? jill put her arm around me and goes 'that's my girl' he said 'you don't even know how talented she is, her writing, and she's a pianist' she said 'yes, she just sang for me'

then i took the biggest risk of all and right in front of JR mentioned my song 'LOVER' i said 'you know, id usually never say this but i think you'd really relate to my original 'LOVER' and it would be freaking perfect for you, im planning on putting it on my album but im happy to play it for you as well...[now usually, you don't do that, it's not your session, i felt i was overstaying my welcome and that i should leave before i lose the amazing moments that had happened within the last 30 min.] then she said 'id love to hear it' i went ahead and spoke the lyrics of the chorus to her and said 'i don't wanna be your friend, i just wanna be your lover, i don't wanna be your prize, i just wanna be your lover, i don't wanna be your change [jiggled my pocket change] i just wanna be your lover, your lover be mine...' another ballsy move and risk but she loved the lyrics she said 'it's so funny you mentioned this because you're the second person to tell me today they had a perfect song for me' [now you know after that comment she made exactly how rare it is to tell a songwriter of her status to mention that

you have a song for her]

as the conversations shifted she was expressing to JR how freaking cool she thought elvis & harold were, they were also exchanging hilarious marking ideas & one in particular that JR came up with and we were still laughing and talking but as my time was coming to and end i should have left right there i didn't, i don't know what it was i just in the vibe, the moment, sharing her world with her and i really didn't want to leave.

as they started talking about more personal important things i felt i should leave and at the same exact moment i was saying my goodbyes and mentioned 'i think i overstayed my welcome' you hear jill say to me 'you're going to have to excuse us please' and she walked out of the studio. it was at that moment i could feel how intense artists can be, how you're loved one moment and felt like your forgotten the next. but nothing & i mean NOTHING can take away the eternal moments i had in those 2 hours and it was the perfect time to part.

as i was walking back to elvis' session she happened to be going there as well to say hello again i guess and said 'you going in here too?' i said 'yes'. i should have just turned the corner and gone to the ladies room to give her space but i didn't, i went to sit another black wooden stool in elvis' session which is my place for the moment...

but i felt it, i earned it, i enjoyed it and loved it. i just hope the next time she see's me she says 'Rachel Assil, how the hell are you?' it was Valentines night and i guess i was in the perfect place. the studio is my relationship, it's the one place that does not talk back to me or make me feel like jill's exact words 'just when i feel like im something, you make me feel like im nothing' thank you jill, if this ever gets to you , thank you from the bottom of my heart. love & music always, rachel assil*

love.done.

it's 4:20 am. and i was about to start creating a brand new episode of 'ROADWAY' even though i just posted one today...

but, i decided not to.

i decided to do this instead...

wait for it...

cry my fucking brains out. i dont know why im writing a public diary right now, but for some reason i just am.

at the moment i am listening to brandi carlile's [live version] of 'before it breaks' [a genius song, fucking genius, i could just die listening to this, [i remember when i saw her perform it live i was with my best friend and i was hoping to g*d she wouldn't see me cry cause shed never go to another concert with me again. she hates going to concerts with me cause i get so fucking emotional, hope she doesnt read this cause then i should have just let my tears aloud that night]

anyway, if you're too lazy or really don't care to look up the song this is what she says in the chorus. [& im typing as she's singing it..right...now] 'say it's over, say im dreaming, say im better than you left me, say you're sorry i can take it. say you'll wait, say you won't, say you love me, say you don't, i can make my own mistakes and learn to let it bend before it breaks' jesus christ. amazing. genius. & the melody & progressions just give it beyond grammy status. [where the fuck is the repeat button on youtube. this is complete bullshit.im gonna fucking sue them for this, is that how you spell sue?i really don't give a shit i can't see anyway cause my tears are falling and it's blurry as hell right now, like when im in new york and i wish i had windshield wipers on my eyeballs]

where was i? [hold, i have to go back and press the 'replay' button on youtube. bullshit.instead of suing im going to send them a fucking invoice]

im back. where was i? im under three blankets, my left shoulder is hurting because i have no outlet for my laptop next to my bed therefore i have to use a plug from the other side of my freaking room & attach myself to my wall just to plug it in. [my room has the fucking oddest configuration, just like my damn brain, we are the best match]

[hold, im crying to the chorus again]

i don't even know what the fuck this blog is about & if you're still reading & you actually comment on it, you're as fucking nuts as i am. shit, did i curse again?

let me try talking about the reason i even came to write this.

love.

love is invisible, it is not something that can really be shown or purchased. it is a quiet, silent, timid and very shy ... but when it's loud its a twister and you must go under ground to survive. im going to call love a person for the moment.

he or she is a living, breathing, sick, healthy, addicted, screwed up, careless, horrifying, beautiful, twisted, bended, machine of all sorts and none of us understand it.

one hundred, six million, five trillion relationships later in this world we still don't have it right.

it is greed, a tree of cash, branches of death...unfiltered water...

it is drowned, it is judged, it is stuck and stunning all at the same time.

i don't love much. but when i love, i love hard.

i love like i fall in love with my writing, my music i mean since i don't know jack about good grammar or how to spell anything to save my fucking life [i kept spelling grammar , grammer and had to use spell check to change it]

when i was a kid my speech / special ed teacher [yes, i was one of the 'slow' kids if you could believe it] she'd quiz me on vocabulary and say 'rachel, what's the meaning of obstacle?' id say 'well.. umm mrs. smoot [with a lisp and a heavy whipped new york accent], it clearly means obstacle, obstacle means obstacle' then laugh so loud cause she'd turn pale and white in the face. [ill never forget that she was in love with kevin costner either, she had a framed 8 x 10 photo of him by her desk and when she wouldnt ask vocab questions she'd blab about him]

i was the kid who skipped class & hid in the auditorium so that i could rehearse my music. i starting doing this this when i was 9 years old. ill never forget, id lie and say i had to go to the restroom and then return when recess was about to come along.

back to my subject.

love.

love is music, light, drops of rain and pounds of hail. love is ugly but it's also the most beautiful creature to have ever lived.

i love the person who taught me love. although this does not exist anymore the broken particle that was once attached to my heart is falling like the wind breaks dust off the leaf of an old tree with a cracked white fence and yellow tape that says 'do not cross' .... damn right.

do not cross love. if so , it will find it's way to cross you.

i really don't know or care if any of this made sense. i just wanted to type. reminds me of playing the piano when i'm not playing. it's another form of rehearsal for me. i guess.

alright, im going now. good night, or shall i say goodmorning?

is that one word or two? the fucking red lines are all over my damn words!

who the fuck is this music industry kidding?

so i usually would never do this but what's the whole point of having a blog spot if you're not going to blog.

this is me & i how i feel about the music industry today.

since i have been in this game for over 12 years now and killing myself, working myself like crazy to be known, recognized, noticed, make friends, relationships, get into sessions, creating my brand, designing, booking shows, getting signed, expired contracts, promises, getting signed again, signing away your my life and a craft that i've been working on for over 20 years. creating a self made documentary, recording, editing, countless hours of studio sessions, phone calls, voicemails, flights, hotels, sleeping on couches, making calls, writing messages, rehearsing, writing music, playing piano, taking 3 jobs at a time, auditions, school, talking to managers who have pull and then talking to managers who don't know a thing, a & r's, actors, singers, songwriters, agents, stylists, pr, photographers, directors, composers, all the people i know at ascap, going to conferences, making new contacts, creating those relationships with people who have no intention of helping you really, just talking about how successful they are, their story , your story, do you have a fucking story,who are you? what do you drive, own , rent , talking to executives, being on a tv show for rodney jerkins & mc lyte, trying to prove myself, im too fat, too skinny, too talented, not talented enough, being compared vocally, told im the best, told im not good enough, doing too much, not doing enough, being controlling, but wait, isn't this my career? trust, love, people hitting on you when you just want to work, what's real, what's fake, who's real who's fake, who's really 'looking out for you', when to quit, when to continue, how to act, what to say and not say, people telling you off behind your back, expressing how 'amazing' they think you are in person, can make moves for you and then do absolutely nothing at all.

being chosen out of over 7,000 songwriters around the country within a 7 month waiting period, to becoming the final 20 and then being told 1 day before filming they made a shift in their casting process [but this i have to be thankful for, didn't want a fucking tv network owning my music anyway, so THANK YOU, but fuck you for wasting my time. [sorry for the fuck you, but not really sorry]

fan's wondering if you will ever release something, writing hate mail cause i haven't released something, producers taking sessions with you then never calling with an address of which studio to meet, people saying they're going to 'hit you up' and never do, giving wrong information so you never reach them, when you've called them over 5 times already and you've spoken but they don't ever put your name in their phone and everytime you call and they answer you have to say 'hey, what's up' and they say 'WHO'S THIS' are you fucking kidding me?

starting songS in the studio with platinum selling writers who don't want to give you credit when you just wrote 50 percent of the record, cause they still haven't had what they think should be their 'big break'... industry 'friends' telling you lets work, let's work, lets 'get it in' i can go on for another 600 paragraphs but i won't , i think whoever is reading this gets the point...

the only thing keeping me in this is my talent. otherwise that bridge looked real pretty the other day.

the point is, if you're going to give up, then give up, but stop saying you'll give up and never do, cause that time spent on the 'should i give up' question is all time you could have been [look at the entire above paragraph] so now what?

just had to release something. dont know what so i just wrote. fuck, i hope no one sees this. ra*