but, i decided not to.
i decided to do this instead...
wait for it...
cry my fucking brains out. i dont know why im writing a public diary right now, but for some reason i just am.
at the moment i am listening to brandi carlile's [live version] of 'before it breaks' [a genius song, fucking genius, i could just die listening to this, [i remember when i saw her perform it live i was with my best friend and i was hoping to g*d she wouldn't see me cry cause shed never go to another concert with me again. she hates going to concerts with me cause i get so fucking emotional, hope she doesnt read this cause then i should have just let my tears aloud that night]
anyway, if you're too lazy or really don't care to look up the song this is what she says in the chorus. [& im typing as she's singing it..right...now] 'say it's over, say im dreaming, say im better than you left me, say you're sorry i can take it. say you'll wait, say you won't, say you love me, say you don't, i can make my own mistakes and learn to let it bend before it breaks' jesus christ. amazing. genius. & the melody & progressions just give it beyond grammy status. [where the fuck is the repeat button on youtube. this is complete bullshit.im gonna fucking sue them for this, is that how you spell sue?i really don't give a shit i can't see anyway cause my tears are falling and it's blurry as hell right now, like when im in new york and i wish i had windshield wipers on my eyeballs]
where was i? [hold, i have to go back and press the 'replay' button on youtube. bullshit.instead of suing im going to send them a fucking invoice]
im back. where was i? im under three blankets, my left shoulder is hurting because i have no outlet for my laptop next to my bed therefore i have to use a plug from the other side of my freaking room & attach myself to my wall just to plug it in. [my room has the fucking oddest configuration, just like my damn brain, we are the best match]
[hold, im crying to the chorus again]
i don't even know what the fuck this blog is about & if you're still reading & you actually comment on it, you're as fucking nuts as i am. shit, did i curse again?
let me try talking about the reason i even came to write this.
love.
love is invisible, it is not something that can really be shown or purchased. it is a quiet, silent, timid and very shy ... but when it's loud its a twister and you must go under ground to survive. im going to call love a person for the moment.
he or she is a living, breathing, sick, healthy, addicted, screwed up, careless, horrifying, beautiful, twisted, bended, machine of all sorts and none of us understand it.
one hundred, six million, five trillion relationships later in this world we still don't have it right.
it is greed, a tree of cash, branches of death...unfiltered water...
it is drowned, it is judged, it is stuck and stunning all at the same time.
i don't love much. but when i love, i love hard.
i love like i fall in love with my writing, my music i mean since i don't know jack about good grammar or how to spell anything to save my fucking life [i kept spelling grammar , grammer and had to use spell check to change it]
when i was a kid my speech / special ed teacher [yes, i was one of the 'slow' kids if you could believe it] she'd quiz me on vocabulary and say 'rachel, what's the meaning of obstacle?' id say 'well.. umm mrs. smoot [with a lisp and a heavy whipped new york accent], it clearly means obstacle, obstacle means obstacle' then laugh so loud cause she'd turn pale and white in the face. [ill never forget that she was in love with kevin costner either, she had a framed 8 x 10 photo of him by her desk and when she wouldnt ask vocab questions she'd blab about him]
i was the kid who skipped class & hid in the auditorium so that i could rehearse my music. i starting doing this this when i was 9 years old. ill never forget, id lie and say i had to go to the restroom and then return when recess was about to come along.
back to my subject.
love.
love is music, light, drops of rain and pounds of hail. love is ugly but it's also the most beautiful creature to have ever lived.
i love the person who taught me love. although this does not exist anymore the broken particle that was once attached to my heart is falling like the wind breaks dust off the leaf of an old tree with a cracked white fence and yellow tape that says 'do not cross' .... damn right.
do not cross love. if so , it will find it's way to cross you.
i really don't know or care if any of this made sense. i just wanted to type. reminds me of playing the piano when i'm not playing. it's another form of rehearsal for me. i guess.
alright, im going now. good night, or shall i say goodmorning?
is that one word or two? the fucking red lines are all over my damn words!